Sunday, September 30, 2012

My evening


You get a call that your Grandpa, who has been in the hospital for over a week, isn’t going to recover this time. That he’s probably going to lose consciousness before the night is over, and likely won’t wake up. That you need to call him to tell him you love him one last time, to say goodbye.
And as your Mom puts the phone up to your Grandpa’s ear, because he’s too weak to hold it himself, you suddenly can’t control your voice or your tear ducts.  You say, “I love you, Papa,” then try not to sob as he replies, “I love you too, sweetie.”   And when you’ve calmed down enough to shape sounds into words, you tell him he’s the best grandpa ever, and then completely lose it when the silence on the phone is followed by your Mom saying, “He’s crying.” 
And as you break down and weep, you contemplate this man, who dozens have compared to John Wayne. This man who built a business out of scratch, boxed with a bear, and caught burglars with the help of your shotgun toting Grandma. This man who stayed true to and raised six kids with said Grandma over more than fifty years of marriage. This man who still speaks of her with the voice and the boast and the look of a lovesick honeymooner. As you contemplate him, lying in a hospital bed, too weak to move, being talked about like a parcel by a man you can hear through the speakerphone, you want to let him know that - though he may be leaving this world on his back, unknown to the world - you always saw him as a giant, standing proudly on long legs with a firm jaw and a twinkle in his eyes. 
But with sobs closing your vocal cords, all you can get out is, “I’ve always boasted about you to my friends,” before speech turns once more to tears, and your Mom takes away the phone, because your Grandpa is too tired to talk anymore. Then, as your sobbing grows erratic, she tries to comfort you from a thousand miles away, but all you want to do is comfort her, because it’s her Dad that’s dying, and you can’t stand the thought that you can’t hug her. 
Yeah. That was my evening. How was yours?

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Life

This week has not been as happy as last week, and that's an understatement. Having both my grandparents on one side rushed to the ER for separate causes on different days of the same week is not fun. In fact - surprise, surprise! - it's rather depressing and horrifying. At least the horror was short-lived. But nearly losing my grandmother and then, knowing how quickly my grandfather's health has deteriorated recently, hearing that he's ill once again, is a sobering experience.

Please, don't take this wrong. I'm not sobbing every night. Yeah, I'm a little quieter than usual, though, of course, no one here notices because they've only known me a short while and can't tell the difference between my normal quiet and abnormal quiet. And I do spend more time thinking about everything. But, despite what my sweet siblings seem to think, I'm not deeply wounded and in need of long, sympathetic conversations (but thanks for taking care of me anyway, guys! I sure love you!). I have total faith in the Lord's plan. I know that whatever he decides to do with my grandparents' lives, my life, or any of our lives, it'll turn out to be the right thing to happen.

In church today, we all talked about the mountains we have to climb, and then later, how service is the best cure when you're going through hard things. I've decided I'm going to try to serve as much as I can until I feel back to normal.

On the plus side, my classes are still just as great as they started out, and I've got two jobs. If I schedule my time well, I should be able to work, get good grades, get enough sleep, AND have a social life. I'm certain it's possible, even though this Venn diagram says it isn't.

And there, in that positive frame of mind that my roommates call 'perky,' I will end this post. Cheerio.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Happy Days

Guys, I am having an awesome week.

Monday, no classes (well, online classes, but I didn't have anywhere I had to be), I walked to the grocery store for a few supplies I'd forgotten to have mom and dad pick up when they went shopping for me the day they dropped me off. Then, after finding out that checks do indeed work there (yes!), I walked out the door and saw a little used bookstore! Of course, being me, I wanted to see it, and for once I had nothing else I needed to be doing so I went ahead and went in. I spent a wonderful half an hour browsing then bought five books from the cute little old guy who owns the place. He told me I had a wide taste in books and that he approved, haha. 

Tuesday, I had an 8 am class. Lemme tell ya, the time is the only thing about that class that does not add to how spectacular it is. I suppose if it was at an hour that allowed me to sleep in, it would be superfluously spectacular. The teacher is hilarious, the subject is interesting, the classmates seem nice, the syllabus is lovely and we get extra credit for bringing British breakfast foods to class and watching movies based on Austen and Shakespeare. I mean, dude. Awesome. 

Then later that day we had a nice devo by Pres. Clark and his wife and I went to my Book of Mormon class for the first time. My BoM teacher's voice was meant to be on relaxation cds, man. I'm not saying I felt like falling asleep or anything, but really, he has the smoothest voice ever, and sort of deep. I think that class will be good for me. It's going to require actual in-depth study, unlike last semester's BoM class.

Today, Wednesday, was the laziest morning ever. We watched Finding Nemo and I did homework. Went to women's choir - where I sort of messed up on my callback auditions, so I'm not sure I'll get in this year - came back to the dorm and signed up for another class so that if I lose the one credit from choir, I'll still have all the credits I need to be full time. If I get in, yay! That's excellent! If I don't, I'll be fine. I've got plenty to do, and I could stay in pjs all day on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays! It's a win win. 

I had a tiny freak out over my math class today - I was worried I wouldn't be able to pass the placement exam, I needed 70% and I'm so math phobic I was certain I'd get a 50% or something - but I got 85%, so the freak out has ended and all is well.

Not only are there all the above lovely things to be happy about, but just walking around campus makes me feel so bubbly inside. It's so beautiful right now! The grass is emerald green and gorgeous. The flowers are colorful and alive. The trees have leaves. It's so different from last semester! Sometimes I randomly stop walking in the middle of going somewhere and just stare around me and take it in. It makes me smile every time.

Yep. This has been a wonderful first week of school so far. Only two days left, and I'm sure they'll be fantastic too. 

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Back to School

I'm back at school. I got here Thursday. Classes haven't started yet, they start tomorrow, so the last few days have been pretty laid back. I've spent some of that time getting to know my roommates and catching up with an old friend. (And I spent several other parts of that time reading the book the old friend loaned me. The Way of Kings by Brandon Sanderson. I know some people who see this will recognize that book. I'm finally reading it! Aren't you happy?) We went to I-night together last night, which was mostly kind of lame, but I got pizza and a hilarious improv show out of it, so I think it was five bucks well spent.

I think I'll like our Bishopric in this new ward. The Bishop sort of reminds me of my sister's former Bishop -- gray hair, glasses, sort of short --  but less... delicate, I guess. He's an elk bow hunter. The second counselor spoke for a really long time in Sacrament meeting about all the crazy injuries and surgeries and other various health issues he's had (survived is more like! sounded like he pretty much died several times - he said he watched his heart monitor line go flat - scary!). And then, most ironically, this girl in the row ahead and several seats to the left of us had a seizure/fainted right after he finished speaking and fell on the floor. They took her out into the hall and then everyone continued like nothing had happened. I guess she recovered though, 'cause the counselor (the one who'd just been speaking - he went with the group that took her outside) came back in and gave an 'okay' sign. 

On a somewhat unrelated note, I'm really starting to get nervous about my online classes. We got access to them on Saturday, and they look pretty involved, probably to make up for not actually going to a class. I think I'll enjoy my Pakistan class, once I get used to all the assignments, but Math has never been a strong subject for me, so I'm still pretty worried about it. I suppose if I get stuck I'll go ask the nice math experts in the library for help. 

Anyway. There's a little update for you. Now... If you have a blog I follow... it's your turn. Gwen, this means you. Also, I know a few northern friends who haven't updated in months. Hop to it, girls. Go on.